VH1 Divas Sort of Live Blog…

***THIS IS TIME-STAMPED, BUT IT’S NOT LIVE, YOU KNOW THE DRILL***

8:00pm: Some big opening number with Paula, who I think is wearing a wig, there’s a sparkly cape…I hoping this is only dancing…ooops…”Cold Hearted Snake”…lipsynching even though she’s holding a mic…yeah Paula, 1989 called and they want MC Scat Cat back, they play on how Simon and Paula are opposites that attract..how darling…now “Straight Up”…she almost fell…oh, yeah “Forever Your Girl”, some weird remix…boy, that was stupid….let’s get to the real singers…caught a glimpse of Ryan Kwaten aka Jason Stackhouse in the crowd…he’s presenting a diva, I guess…
8:05pm: Paula–“this is NOT American Idol!”…her voice is cracking…a shot of Adele, she’s chewing on something…
8:08pm: J-Hud is up first…love her!…”we’re a new generation of divas…” oh, she looks fierce!…singing “Spotlight”…I may have NOT chosen the skin tight, pleathery pants…her boobs are about to pop out…a Live Blog party you say?…I’ll stick to what I’m doing…
(checking The Office…I can’t believe I’m missing this…however, DVR is the greatest invention ever)
8:17pm: KATHY GRIFFIN!!!!!….oh boy, here we go…damn, she’s a foot taller than Paula…”was there any man on man barebacking?” in reference to Simon and Seacrest…Paula–“have you ever banged anyone?”…
8:19pm: Kelly Clarkson…let’s see how much weight the camera adds tonight….a typical day in the life of KC montage…”Already Gone”, the song she says is a rip off of Beyonce’s “Halo”…co-written by the same person, Ryan Tedder, who also co-wrote Leona Lewis’ “Bleeding Love”…yeah, Kelly still isn’t missing any meals…bless her heart, her dress is pretty…I guess the first hour is solo performances…
8:25pm: Dudes on Divas????…some skit thing to fill time…PS22 school chorus singing “Chasing Pavements”…search for these kids on YouTube; they are good!
(Commerical break…well there goes the end of The Office…whaaaaaaaa!)
8:30pm: Paula’s dresses leave much to be desired…Oscar playing off music spoof…complete with a sparkly hook!!!…Keri Hilson and Corbin Bleu, okay?…having presenters for this is kind of dumb…but some of the Real Housewives of Atlanta are there, so I digress…
8:32pm: Jordin Sparks!!!…cue the montage…”S.O.S. (Let the Music Play)”…she has dancers, the production is reminescent of the VMAs…seriously!…and I’m waiting for the Kanye interruptus spoof…Jordin has some junk in the trunk too, I’m kind of scared of her…
8:37pm: NeNe, Bethenny, and KIM!…whoops, and Kim’s wig…Kim- “I have a song out called ‘Tardy for the Party’ and it’s a big hit!”?????…
8:38pm: Adele…and I’m not hatin’, but another heavyweight…she has a baby, did I know that?…Lionel Richie???…this montage is getting weird…damnit, I don’t know the name of the song….proof pop radio eludes me most times…wait, it’s “Hometown Glory”…ah, those eyelashes…big voice…
(Commercial break, I got nothing)
8:49pm: the Leona Lewis vs. Miley Cyrus debate????…WTF???…PAULA IS IN ELLEN DEGENERES DRAG!!!…LOW BLOW PAULA, BUT GENIUS, COMPLETE WITH ELLEN SHOW SET WITH PAULA PLOPPING DOWN IN THE CHAIR…it fell a little flat…Toni Braxton, looking gorgeous…
8:51pm: Leona Lewis!!!…this is the first time I’ve heard her speak, darling…I’m not sure who this guy is in the montages, producer of the show???…”Happy”, the new one, hells yes!…there’s some sort of Madonna a la “Frozen” thing with the dancers going on…question mark?…she sounds a little off, eh?…it’s almost as if the music is overpowering her…not fair…she’s so beautiful…PS 22 again…they are awesome!
(Commercial break…Miley is only one left….ugh!!!)
9:02pm: Leona Lewis with Cyndi Lauper…and Cyndi’s dulcimer…”True Colors”…how many times have we seen her do this, with others?….I still love this song!…she’s 56???…wow…damn, Cyndi is outsinging Leona!…now the FAME cast of which I know none of their names…they are acting stupid!
9:08pm: It’s Miley!…the montage please…she ain’t no diva, I’m sorry VH1, but I’m standing by it…yes, she’s the new Olsen twins money maching, add in the music career, but NOT A TRUE DIVA!…”Party in the USA” which is a catchy song, but geez…I guess since some of the outfits have been questionable, Project Runway can wait…Miley’s is awful!…it’s like a Corpse Bride gone wrong situation and it’s too short for a 16-year-old!!!…
(Commercial break…flipping over to Lifetime…damn, commercial for them too!)
9:17pm: Another poor flapper dress on Paula…oh, a funny is coming up!…it’s LIZA!!!!!…the real one, not an impersonator!…she has a mic, something’s going to happen…”Liza with a Z”…Paula is playing dumb…Paula’s shoes, yikes!…Liza loves them…and Paula is giving them to her…Liza-“these shoes, it’s something I can use!”…
9:19pm: Adele and India.Arie…”Video”…old school…love it!…perfect song for duet…that song came out eight years ago…wow!…Oh brother!…another Dudes on Divas segment…
9:29pm: Hoda Kotb and Kathie Lee Gifford…God, if this could only be Michaela Watkins and Kristen Wiig as Hoda and Kathie Lee…damnit!!!
9:30pm: Jordin Sparks and Martina McBride…”Broken Wing”…interesting…I was thinking Kelly Clarkson would bring more of a country flair to this…oh well…Martina looks a little dazed…oh and she has sounded better, oooh…oh Martina, no diva here…but bless her for trying…
9:38pm: Jennifer Hudson and Stevie Wonder….(I’ve been skipping the commercial break designations…don’t sue me!)….what is this song???…I would consider Stevie a diva, why not?…”All in Love is Fair”(?)….J-Hud can sang! oh a little diva-off between Jennifer and Stevie! A die-hard KC fan…a J-Hud fan, she’s losing it!…
(Well here we go, commercial break…the show is almost over???…it flew by)
9:47pm: Oh no, Ryan Kwaten alert!!!…and who else?…SamTrammell?!?…wow…
9:48pm: Miley and Sheryl Crow…”If It Makes You Happy”…oh Miley, honey…you are NOT A DIVA or a rock singer!…it’s interesting seeing the comments at the bottom of the screen…they’re only putting up the nice ones…Miley is this close to a camel toe moment…she’s 16 people!!!…I love Sheryl Crow and I feel so sorry for her right now…all that’s left is Kelly Clarkson and Melissa Etheridge…it should be good…
(commercial break and another shameless plug for FAME, Kelsey Grammer is in it too?!?)
9:56pm: Lauren Conrad and Whitney Port…Paula is twittering…okay, it’s been established, Paula? not funny…”Bring Me Some Water”!!!!…yeah!…Kelly and Melissa Etheridge…this one is appropriate since lesbian rumors have been swirling around KC for a while…okay, this is pretty good…playful, I like…Kelly is fillng out her jeans…I admire her for working her weight…this is my favorite performance by far!!…
10:02pm: THE DIVA-OFF???…that’s it????…no diva-off?….well, I gotta move on…
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