DWTS: Martina, Urkel, Half-Pint, Gavin DeGraw???

I thought of the opening line from the Family Matters theme song when I saw the new cast for season 14 of Dancing With The Stars only I modified a bit, “What the hell ever happened to predictability?” Exactly. And I won’t debate how similar the theme songs to Family Matters and Full House were, although it might make a better debate.
I think it’s safe and it’s sad to say ABC has lowered the bar more than ever this time. And it’s so low, it will buried under last season’s fancy new dance floor. However, it will be interesting to see how not some, but all of these new “Stars” will fair. Let’s get started…
Gladys Knight-she’s 67, she’s well-known, and she’s old…her partner: last season newbie Tristan MacManus and his first partner was nipple-worthy Nancy Grace, oh boy.
Jack Wagner-aka “Frisco Jones” from General Hospital, another older guy, but I think he might be able to appeal to the GH demographic since GH may or may not be canceled soon…his partner: Anna Trebunskaya who is a seasoned vet of the show, but I don’t think Wagner will have the pizazz or fashion sense of Carson Kressley.
Roshon Fegan-I have no friggin’ clue who he is, the site calls him “Disney’s Triple Threat” He’ll help drive up the young demo…his partner: Chelsie Hightower whom I don’t think was on last season, but her previous Stars include, Ty Murray, Michael Bolton, one of those Bachelor dudes, and Romeo..eh.
William Levy-?????? his partner: Cheryl Burke who had the burden of the Kardashian contingent last cycle, but she’s a strong partner.
Maria Menounos-Now we’re getting somewhere, at least in the pretty department and her partner is the strongest in my opinion, Derek Hough. I find it interesting in his “prior celebrity partners” section, Jennifer Grey, who he won with, is not mentioned. Looks like Baby is going back to the corner.
Gavin DeGraw-Oh my God! What is going on? I’ll tell you what’s going on, he’s filling one of the “my career is going nowhere” slots…his partner: Karina Smirnoff who is the defending champ of the mirrorball trophy…J.R. Martinez won the last cycle.
Wait for it…Jaleel White-I really have no words but if he ever utters, “did I do that?” my time will be well spent. He has a good partner, Kym Johnson, who recently won with Donny Osmond, it’s a toss-up, but Welcome Back Urkel! ABC must have owed you one.
Melissa Gilbert-Ah Half-Pint! I can’t believe it took this long to get her on the show. I’m expecting some big things but hopefully no controversy as her partner is Maksim Chmerkovskiy. Expect a lot of pigtails and buck teeth picture reminders…
Katherine Jenkins-???? The site says “The Sexy Soprano”, okay when you start combing the opera circuit for stars, you lower the bar…her partner is Mark Ballas, at least he can score again off the floor.
Donald Driver-The former Green Bay Packers wide receiver fills the mandatory athelete slot, but wait, I’ll get to that shortly…his partner: Peta Murgatroyd who had the distinct pleasure in her first season of trying to harness all that is Metta World Peace (Ron Artest)…better luck this time kid!
Martina Navratilova-YES! If you thought casting Chaz Bono was risky, get ready for more butch realness; seriously, I bet Martina hasn’t worn a gown or anything involving something other than a tennis skirt in 30 years…her partner: Tony Dovolani whose former stars include, last season’s train wreck Chynna Phillips, Kate Gosselin (UGH!), Wendy Williams, and current George Clooney trophy gal Stacy Kiebler…take a seat femmes!
And last but not least, Sherri Shepherd-Another ABC tie-in, and this is what I always think of when I see her:
Her lucky partner? Maks’ brother Val Chmerkovskiy…in Val’s first season/last cycle on the show, former George Clooney trophy gal Elisabetta Canalis…See? It all comes full circle.
Season 14 of Dancing With The Stars premieres March 19th 8E/7C on ABC.

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