Lisa Lampanelli: Celebrity Apprentice Mean Girl

"Bitch please!"

You know, I’ve always liked Lisa Lampanelli as a comedian, but on Celebrity Apprentice, she’s turned into someone who is more likely to have a violent mood swing rather than to crack one of her classic dirty jokes. There’s no doubt she wants to win, and she has a really good chance to win, but at what cost? It’s plain to see through eleven tasks, Lampanelli has made it clear she’s not a fan of the pretty models/actresses who are really now all gone. I wouldn’t call Aubrey O’Day an anything, and then it’s only Teresa Giudice, who is also not recognized for anything beyond The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Lampanelli has been the “writer” for 90 percent of her team’s tasks. She’s played right into the stereotype that her abilities are just as important as a model’s or an actress’, it’s just they are not always visible.

In a way, Lampanelli is turning the competition on its ear by taking out all of the “pretty girls”, and that’s great, but when she paid absolutely zero respect to Miss Universe Dayana Mendoza, things got out of hand. It’s unfair to assume Mendoza couldn’t contribute anything as a Project Manager or team member. Lampanelli always saw Miss Universe as Miss Universe, a woman incapable of thoughts or feelings. Yet, the comedian has had her breakdowns aka episodes, where she had to reiterate she wasn’t the pretty one by bawling and by stating she indeed had feelings feelings too. No, really? A competition show isn’t about feelings, it’s about pawing your way to the top of the heap and Lampanelli has made no qualms in doing just that.

Mendoza was totally set up by Lampanelli and Clay Aiken to be the pseudo-Project Manager for Sunday night’s task. I know the two were trying to make a point, but Mendoza was never given a chance. And after being called back to the board room a record seven times, Donald Trump got the message, although I bet he was not sure he made the right call, even though Dayana could not control Lampanelli or Aiken. But Trump loves to see the celebrities fight and cover their asses, there’s no show if there’s no fireworks.

Here’s my brutally honest theory: Mendoza was left out of tasks because of her language barrier and her accent, and the Miss Universe moniker was never going to help her out. Let’s not forget, Trump owns the Miss Universe pageant and he’s the reason she ever got a shot in the first place. Lisa may win, but she won’t be winning in a graceful and in a respectable manner. Here’s just one mood swing proud moment from Sunday’s show…I’ll get back to you, oh and although Clay was just as conniving this week, I hope he wins.

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Nutella Isn’t Healthy? You Are Shitting Me!

(DROOLING!)

True confession time! If I could bathe in any substance other than water or bubbles, fill that extra large clawfoot tub up with Nutella son! It’s so good, all the expletives in the world cannot describe how bloody good it is. Screw peanut butter and jelly and butter and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, Nutella is where it’s at! However, today, I learned a woman from San Diego sued the company because Nutella falsely claimed it was a healthy alternative to spread on toast for her 4-year-old daughter. Not only did she score $3 million big ones, $2.5 million of that will be distributed to you, me, anyone! as part of a class action suit so we can have a slather of that delicious hazelnut chocolatey goodness in the form of 4 whole dollars! Huh? Hell, I can go buy about 4 of these for 4 bucks:

Best snack...ever!

I’m having a love affair with Nutella-And-Go! and no class action suit, $3 million bucks, or human being will stop that. I just can’t believe people are falling for the whole “it’s healthy” thing, HELLO! it’s chocolate! When has chocolate ever been healthy? If a product can help a kid eat his breakfast, it’s fab on toast, then so be it. It’s Satan’s peanut butter! Suck it for God’s sake, breakfast is the most important meal of the day, why be a Debbie Downer because Nutella has as many calories as a candy bar?

Don’t be afraid, keep eating Nutella, I will! And I will request an IV of it when my time comes.

Punching A Pregnant Man In The Crotch Is Not Cool!

Talk about "A Piece of Work".

News broke this week the pregnant “man”, Thomas Beatie has separated from his wife of nine years after allegations of physical abuse, and one instance involved a punch in the crotch. It should be noted, Beatie has only recently undergone his sex reassignment surgery. So that crotch punch was his the lady-posing-as-a-dude days. Ouch!

Yes, Joan Rivers wrote and directed a movie in 1978 about a pregnant man starring Billy Crystal called Rabbit Test, I would call the Beatie incident more of a rabid test. Let’s not forget the 1994 Arnold Schwazenegger gem Junior in which Arnold’s character gets pregnant, by, oh Lord, actual sex. I’ve seen bits and pieces (pun!) of Junior and it’s not an Oscar-winner. Who knew all these comedic situations would come to life in 2008 when Beatie became pregnant via cryogenics when his wife Nancy could not conceive and Thomas would go on to carry two more children.

Who is this Chaz Bono?

All right, I’m trying my best not to mock the situation, if I mock, I mock with love, because there are tons of gay couples who want children and when all the doors close, desperate measures are taken. On the other hand, it’s sad the Beaties have landed back in the public eye in such an ugly fashion. It provides fuel for the fire for all the Christian, conservative, One Million Moms people, yep, it’s another excuse to bash gay parenting. This situation would have played out a lot differently if Thomas had had the kids before he decided to start hormone therapy, because a pregnant man with facial hair just looks odd. Yes, there is comedy in it, but it’s only because Beatie went public in the first place, and I wouldn’t doubt the strain of being in the public eye has something to do with the decline of the relationship. Sometimes, things just don’t work out and so on and so forth.

But getting punched in the crotch is damn funny, no matter who it is, but I’m sorry it had to be Thomas Beatie.

When Amish Attack! (With Battery-Powered Clippers!)

I read about this last week and I’m not really sure what to say except I’m a little more afraid of the Amish than I was before. I recently saw a documentary on the the Amish and a new show on Nat Geo, Amish: Out of Order, which focuses on members who leave the faith, some for good, some go back, is probably bringing a lot of unwanted attention to a people I believed to be quiet and non-violent, yet they are mocked and misunderstood. Then we heard about the Mullet (real last name!) clan in Ohio. Smile!

Thy be booked!

I mean what would drive these traditional pacifists to violently remove the identity (beards, hair) of their fellow brethren? Did a barn raising or quilting bee go bad? And the last place the Amish want to end up is in the public eye or be forced to use a telephone. These four lovely ladies have been added to the indictment and they will be arraigned this Thursday along with the other 12 charged.

It's not easy being green or Amish.

None of the stories I found can define a reason why the Mullets engaged in such rash behavior. All I know is “Weird” Al Yankovic must be a happy man these days. Are thee up for an ass-whooping? I think they’re punishment should be to watch “Amish Paradise” on a continuous loop.

Amish: Out of Order airs Tuesday nights at 10E/9C on Nat Geo Channel.

9 Movies I Have To Watch When I See Them On TV

No, this isn’t a penultimate list, but I had the idea to expand on an earlier blog. So, in no particular order…

1. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom: Why? Oh, I’ve only seen it three times in the past week. I sat and watched all of it last weekend, then it was on back-to-back again Saturday night. This is by far my favorite out of the franchise and simply because it’s the most different from the others. It’s dark, it’s the most gory, and it has Kate Capshaw’s blood-curdling scream. The violence was so extreme by 1984 standards, the PG-13 rating was created in its wake; I was 8 and I wasn’t scared. Oh yeah and Short Round (Ke Huy Quan) is the best kid ever to star alongside Harrison Ford. For uber nerds, chronologically, this story takes place BEFORE Raiders of the Lost Ark. And who doesn’t love the campy Busby Berkeley “Anything Goes” opening number? I’m sold every time!

2. True Grit: And make that the original 1969 version starring John Wayne is his only Oscar-winning performance as Rooster Cogburn. I have nothing against the Coen brothers’ remake, it’s really good and it stays in line with the book, but the original movie is more fun, yet gritty (pun!) at the same time. You add Kim Darby’s bowl cut and Glen Campbell’s smart ass, and you’ve got an instant classic worth watching.

"Fill your hands you son of a bitch!"

3. Napoleon Dynamite: Dangit! It’s one of the most quotable movies I’ve ever seen and one of the most honest depictions of misfits in high school. Who knew a very low budget indie film made for $400,000 would go on to gross nearly $50 million. It’s an instant cult classic. As I’m sitting on my couch I’m looking at my Napoleon Dynamite fleece blanket. I still laugh as hard as I did the first time every time I watch it. Plus it spawned an animated sitcom that aired earlier this year on FOX, and it wasn’t bad.

"I felt so relaxed."

4. To Kill a Mockingbird: I just saw a fascinating bio of author Harper Lee a few weeks ago, it’s hard to believe her only novel would translate into a beloved classic. I can relate to Scout. She’s a tomboy, she doesn’t like to wear dresses, she fights with the boys, yet she’s sensitive. Although the movie and the novel have a heavy social message, the characters are curious to watch and the black and white cinematography is perfect.

5. Pretty in Pink: I didn’t see this movie until way after 1986, and I’m glad I was converted. It’s the first DVD I ever received as a gift. I think it’s the best out of the John HughesMolly Ringwald is my muse” films. Again, it focuses on the microcosm of social groups in high school, the geeks/freaks vs. the rich snobs. When a snob, Blaine (Andrew McCarthy) asks out a freak Andie (Ringwald), they don’t exactly change the landscape of their surroundings which is how the story should be. Sure, Andie and Blaine reunite at the prom, but did they stay together? We’ll never know. Obviously, the most remembered character is Jon Cryer as Phillip “Duckie” Dale; the geeky hipster loser who longs for Andie. Damn, he had good taste in music. And Annie Potts is in it! Bonus!

6. JFK: I swear, this not turning into a list of my favorite movies. This one is an interesting choice, because it’s over 3 hours long, but I could watch it over and over. I think I have to watch it because I’m always searching for more things I missed, more clues as to who really assassinated Kennedy. The cast is incredible anchored by Kevin Costner.

7. Annie: It’s fun when you find a movie that brings back so many memories. It came out when I was in 1st grade and I carried an Annie lunchbox and book bag to school. At a slumber party at a friend’s house down the street, we acted out scenes from the orphanage, and I think a fight broke over who was going to play Miss Hannigan. No, I was not involved. Ah, Carol Burnett as Miss Hannigan, pure comedic genius, though I had no idea Burnett grew up in a family of alcoholics. Ooh, another memory, when I got my first tape player/recorder, of course I had the Annie soundtrack and I wore it out! My sister was barely 2 then, but I have a recording of where she is singing “You’re Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile”. Who knew I would be more into Motley Crue two years later.

8. Fargo: To be fair, I could include more than just one Coen brothers entry on this list. O Brother, Where Art Thou? was on a few weeks ago, yep, I watched a little bit. And just the other night, I watched the first film they ever made, Blood Simple, which is very out there, which all of their movies are in one way or another. What’s great about the Coens, they do black comedy better than anyone. There are fall-down funny moments in Fargo-thank God for Steve Buscemi– yet you always remember the main story of extortion, kidnapping, and some pretty brutal violence (hello, wood chipper!) And Frances McDormand aka Mrs. Joel Cohen is brilliant as expectant mother and police chief Marge Gunderson (Oscar winner!). Yah!

9. Flash Gordon: There were many bad movies in the early 80’s, but some pale in comparison to the Dino DeLaurentiis 1980 camp fest posing as a sci-fi flick. I think one reason this movie has stayed popular is the Queen soundtrack. I’ve had all of it on my iPod from day one and it still gets me. It’s sad, because Flash Gordon was once a popular comic strip, TV serial that recurred as a TV series in the 50’s, and two updated TV series, one animated, and one live action series produced for the SciFi channel. I would say it’s probably time to put old Flash to bed, but I can’t stop watching that damn movie!

"Uh."

Is Linda Gail Rebecca Black’s Long Lost Granny?

There are really too many questions to ask about Linda Gail’s “3 Second Rule” song and video. Does Linda Hogan have a tone-deaf twin sister? And is she named Linda too? Is this video a joke? Did the crew break in and shoot this at a preserved old school? Has Linda Gail ever heard of “mom jeans”? I could on for days, but then my head would explode.

Gram-mel Toe!
Like the bad post-menopausal yeast infection she would get from those rose-colored jeans, “3 Second Rule” is just starting to go viral. Someone’s poor Granny decided it would be a great idea to not only record a terrible song, but make an equally terrible/craptastic video to go along with it. She makes Rebecca Black sound like Adele! I did some investigating and all I can determine is, Ms/Mrs./Miss Gail hired this Dallas wedding video company to produce her magnum opus. I mean this creepy image:


Is just one step removed from this…


Forgive the small (tee-hee!) image. Everyone knows a school like the one in the video, most of them are probably historical landmarks, NOT THIS ONE, at least not now. I’m trying to imagine what a typical day for Linda would be…

Wake up 6am, pee, use some extra strength Monistat, run a hot bath-with bubbles-prep the spray tan booth, luxirate in the well-deserved bubble bath, shave legs, take a hot shower-that bacteria must be eliminated-make coffee, drink 2 cups, call a random friend or relative, pick out clothes, especially the tighest jeans she owns, back to the bathroom for a number 2 (the coffee!), get dressed, don’t forget the turquoise jewelry!, back to the bathroom for a hour-long eyeliner session, and other various clown make-up applications, find some “kickin” boots, call the salon to make daily color appointment, let the dog out, drink more coffee, check face for another 30 minutes…finally leaves for the salon, she tells her friends she’s the next Britt Ekland, drops by the studio for a quick tracking session..by the way, the opening credits say the song is produced by “Desi”. Excuse me, but Desi??? Babaloo will not rest as comfortably tonight. Linda probably never misses an episode of Long Island Medium and she can’t wait for the revamped DALLAS. She may or may not have auditioned for the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. We hope NOT!

We all have hopes and dreams of becoming famous, why do you think I’m writing this blog? But I digress. Linda Gail’s dream is now a reality, and her infamy is TBD. YOU GO GRANNY! Oh and nice hand writing.

Sheree Whitfield Retreats First From “The Real Housewives Of Atlanta”

Die Mommy Die!

In a surprising turn of events, well, not really, Atlanta’s most hated misunderstood housewife, Sheree Whitfield, has announced she is not returning to the Bravo’s Haus of Atlanta. It appears NeNe’s impending/rumored departure from the hit reality show has been, pun intended, “Trumped”.  Okay, to be fair, there hasn’t been any confirmed reports that Leakes is leaving the show. However, with all of her acting gigs piling up, I still think her departure is imminent. I’m sure by the end of the day, we’ll hear NeNe’s take on Sheree’s one-up decision, in other words, keep a close eye on her Twitter feed.

Whitfield’s statement is brief, but if you really take a look at it, you see the rampant hypocrisy. I love this quote:

“After four solid seasons of helping Bravo build the show into its most successful Housewives franchise, I have decided to leave. The direction the show is going in is no longer a fit for my lifestyle. I’m tired of the fighting and the cattiness.”

Tired of the fighting and catiness??? (Click the following links for the evidence) Season 1, when NeNe is not on Sheree’s party guest list. (It’s so weird to see Leakes with long hair!). Season 2, Sheree attempts to pull Kim’s wig off. Season 2 again, Sheree fights with a party planner. In season 3, it seemed like everyone fought with Dwight and Sheree couldn’t be left out. This season, Sheree took her catiness and jealousy to whole other level, first the infamous Nene throwdown aka “I’m very rich bitch!” And finally, my favorite, Sheree and Marlo (who joins part 2 of the RHOA reunion tonight! 8pm Central) go at it in South Africa. Those faces are priceless.

So, what will become of Sheree Whitfield? I really don’t care as long as I never have to see her face again after the last part of this season’s reunion airs on Sunday. Sure, reality shows are sometimes edited to show people in a different light, but I don’t think Sheree was ever unfairly edited. She was really out of control this season and whether she was prodded or not, she stirred up a lot of shit or Shit by Sheree. The sad part is, without Bravo, Sheree will regret not staying on the radar, but if she wants to “Fly Above” all the drama, good for her. She’ll get her fifteen minutes in accordance with today’s announcement, I hope you enjoy it Boo-Boo!

I’ll Miss Dick Clark, But I’ll Miss “Rate-a-Record” The Most

Um, Dick? what are you doing? (entertainment.time.com)

I called home this afternoon to shoot the breeze with my mother and the first thing she said to me was Dick Clark had died. I suppose it wasn’t unexpected, because he was 82, he had a massive stroke in 2004, and he just wasn’t seen in public much anymore. Yes, he appeared, pre-taped, on the last few “New Year’s Rockin’ Eve” but he wasn’t the same. His voice was dramatically altered from the stroke, but he tried his best to ramp up the same energy his audience was expecting. It’s not the Dick Clark I’ll remember.

I’ll remember Clark on American Bandstand and Barry Manilow’s infectious theme song.

Every Saturday morning on ABC, after cartoons, there was a crowd of teenagers and probably twentysomethings dancing their tails off. I loved it! One portion of the show I’ll always remember is “Rate-a-Record”. Clark would pull two kids out of the audience and have them take a listen to two songs and then the top rated one would win. I would say 90 percent of the songs featured were geared toward getting the crowd to groove along.

Memories (pophistorydig.com)

The only part I never quite understood was the ratings system. They would take the individuals ratings of each song, then average them. But one person would pick 83 and the other would pick 76, weird. Here’s an example from 1988, I don’t remember either song being a hit. And the fashions are to die for!

Perhaps Clark’s biggest contribution to pop music history, the acts he introduced us to. American Bandstand starting airing in 1952, my Dad was barely a year old, and my Mom was born in March of that year. Clark introduced African-American artists to teens all over the country, so he started a little revolution. Here’s one act I remember seeing on the show.

Today, music is all about finding the next Wham! or the next Madonna, which is the next logical step, so it’s not ironic Ryan Seacrest pretty much took over for Clark. Sorry Seacrest, you can produce shows, be on the radio and annoy me on American Idol but you’ll NEVER be Dick Clark. Rest in peace Mr. Clark, you’ll be missed.

 

 

Jose Canseco’s Twitter Account Is A Revelation

Long ago...(tonystl/Flickr)

See this Jose Canseco Topps Rookie card? I stole mine from the desk of another classmate in 6th grade. Petty theft and no one ever found out, until now. 25 years ago, that card meant everything to me, and so did Canseco. Up until the mid-late 80s, I never really had a true MLB team that I rooted for. I grew up with basic cable and we got TBS, so many a Braves game was watched in my household; I have NEVER liked the Braves.

I was determined to root for the Oakland A’s and Canseco and his fellow “bash brother” Mark McGwire. So I did. In 1988, Canseco became the first MLB player in history to hit 40 home runs and steal 40 bases in a season, thus anointing the 40-40 club. In 1989, in the aftermath of the worst earthquake to hit the Bay Area in over 80 years, the A’s swept the Giants in 4 games to win the World Series. The A’s were swept the next year by the Cincinnati Reds. By 1991, although was still producing strong numbers (he hit 44 dingers that season), his big time stats had started to level off. What followed was roughly ten years of misfit baseball, capitalized by a fly ball hitting his head and going over the fence for a home run in a 1993 game when was with the Rangers. Which brings me to Canseco’s Twitter account.

You’ll see stories popping up this week about Canseco’s tweets concerning the 100th anniversary of the Titanic sinking. In short, the former outfielder said global warming could have prevented the tragic accident; come on, that’s not too crazy! Who knew a player who would blow the whistle on the use of steroids in baseball (see Juiced!) would find a new calling, ahem, last desperate attempt to connect with his fans and the world. On that sports blooper, Canseco tweeted the play should’ve counted as a “four base error” because if he had caught it, it wouldn’t have been a hit. (It should be noted, as I am typing this, my Twitter has gone down or temporarily crashed…irony?)  Okay, for some reason, YouTube does not have the infamous home run, but here’s a Canseco moment that’s even sadder to watch:

Yep, a softball homer…and not even in a game….by the way, here’s some more info on the embarrassing homer.

Even the best sink lower than you thought they would….JUST SAY NO! But say YES to following Canseco on Twitter!

“Goodbye Horses”: The Truth Revealed

After 20 years, The Silence of the Lambs is still a beautiful and chilling film. I always try to watch a movie, or maybe two every Friday night. I didn’t plan on watching Buffalo Bill tuck his penis, but it’s one of those movies you have to watch when you find it on cable. And the tucking scene is set off by a haunting song, “Goodbye Horses” by Q Lazzarus. I posted on Get Glue I was watching it and then I found a video of the song and posted it as well. But here’s what you didn’t know.

The track was originally featured on another Jonathan Demme movie soundtrack, a movie released three years before Lambs, Married to the Mob. What’s even more surprising, “Goodbye Horses” is NOT on the Lambs’ soundtrack. But wait, it gets better…

Q Lazzarus, is…a woman! Uh, okay. Oh Wikipedia, surely you jest. It’s true and she appeared in two other Demme films, Something Wild and Philadelphia. I now remember her performance in the latter.

Hi there.

She is very androgynous, like Tracy Chapman meets Lisa Bonet. Even though the song was not on the Lambs’ soundtrack, Lazzarus re-released the song to capitalize on the popularity and the omission. And the track has been used in other films and television. However, I’ve never seen the song featured in any of those “one-hit wonder” specials. It’s also been covered half a dozen times. Here’s the original version from the Married to the Mob soundtrack.

Honestly, somewhat stripped down, you can tell it’s a female voice. It’s bizarre, but I guess no more bizarre than this.