My Reactions To The ‘Full House’ Reboot: Fuller House

I suppose it’s time for one of my world-famous (not really) rants. For years, well the last couple of weeks, we’ve been knocked over the head by reboots, remakes, rehashings, re-edits, etc. The whole “Full House” reboot has been in talks for a while and today, it was made official and it will be part of the Netflix monster.

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My thoughts exactly. But here’s the strange part, the Olsen twins, purveyors of “you got it dude!” are currently in negotiations to appear (really?!?) as are Bob Saget and Dave Coulier. Here’s who has been confirmed to appear….

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John Stamos (Uncle Jesse) who is determined to ride any nostalgia wave he can latch onto. I’ll admit he’s still good-looking and he’ll do a good job. He’s worthy of a “Uncle Jesse joins a biker gang and trades guns and drugs for cash…”, wait, that’s been done.

Candance Cameron-Bure (DJ Tanner-Fuller) who is now a pregnant widow (???) and she has two unruly sons, and to help out….watch this gif while you wait for it….

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Andrea Barber (Kimmy Gibbler) will be moving in with DJ to help with the boys. This is in the synopsis.

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Also moving in…Jodie Sweetin (Stephanie Tanner) “aspiring musician”??? Whatevs.

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I’m assuming the bad wigs and bad sweaters will fall by the wayside as this is a reboot and not a remake. Even this hag, um, nice lady is negotiating to come back.

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If I could only smash the heads together of the writers/producers/actors who thought this would be a good idea. Here’s my point, stories out of Hollywood are just as vacant as the town itself, unoriginal and uninspired. When I was researching for an interview with a TV writer/producer/author from my hometown, he said in a video that if I/you were to write and create a TV show, make sure it’s original. He was mostly trying to scare the writing students away from the spec script concept even though his spec script for ‘Family Guy’ got him a job on the show. Cruel irony.

I know I’ve made this confession before here, or maybe not. I want to write either a TV script, an original one, or a novel. In the past, the idea of writing a movie was all I wanted to do, but I think TV in a more stagnant state, it’s thirsty for fresh ideas.

Due to time and due to my lack of patience, my script has not come together yet…stay tuned.

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Worst Season Of ‘Real Housewives Of NYC’ Ever!

Never mind #LegGate or #BookGate, this was the single, worst season of the ‘Real Housewives of NYC’ EVER!!!! Forgive my over punctuation, but I’m seething right now. I just watched the finale, and Aviva threw her prosthetic leg to prove a point, but honestly, she was justified. On the other hand, I think this was possibly a contrived aka produced moment. Here’s what she told ‘EXTRA’: Drescher said, “You know sometimes my leg just gets away from me… I was actually provoked all season long, attacked, and I just got to my wit’s end. Some people throw down their glasses in anger. I just was looking at Heather Thompson standing above me, which was really in poor form, and Heather was screaming at me, calling me a fake, calling me this and that. I just had this knee-jerk reaction to take my leg and bang it on a table to hopefully shut up these shrews who were coming after me.” Okay, from a production point of view, this moment was pure gold. Of course, there have been rumors the ratings for this season have hit an all-time low, and another rumor? If there is a season 7, Ramona will be the only wife invited back. If the latter rumor is true, AMEN! And why the hell was LuAnn considered a “supporting wife” this year? She was on more episodes than Aviva. Oh Aviva. Does she have some issues with hypochondria? Yes, but why would she purposely take herself out of half of the season if she didn’t really have even slight asthma? I think there’s another reason she was omitted from the Montana trip episodes. I think the producers wanted to show off Kristen as maybe the new crazy one, and she delivered. I zoned out during the last Montana episode because it was majorly boring beyond belief. I’ll tell you one thing, Kristen will not be invited back for another season. Speaking of making cuts, I know no one from BRAVO or Andy Cohen will be reading this, but please get rid of Heather! I think she could be the new Sonja with all her name-dropping. Honey, no one cares about P. Diddy, so please stop already! And every time she says “HOLLA!”, I want to crawl under a rock. Guess what Heather, you may be from NYC, but YOU’RE WHITE! In a lot of ways, you are whiter than white. Oh, and don’t sing ever again. I would take back every other wife that has appeared on the show before I ever gave her the time of day. Yes, even Kelly, the star of Scary Island. Now Scary Island in season 3? Those were the best vacation episodes ever in any of the franchises. The real drama that should have been in this season, Ramona and Mario’s marriage troubles, was swept under the rug, and we were stuck with Mario warbling through a shitty song at “Bird Land”. For all her insanity, Ramona is still Ramona. Her M.O. from season 1 has never changed. Even though she had her ridiculous “don’t get my hair wet” rant this season, which was stupid and she could have really hurt Kristen with her glass, she was the same Ramona. So, let’s see. We need LuAnn back full-time. We need to get rid of Heather, Kristen, and as much as it pains me, Aviva. For her own good and her own sanity, Aviva needs to look elsewhere for self-promotion other than a “ghost written” autobiography. Yeah, maybe Carole stays, but when Aviva went after her writing ability, that was mega-low.  She does amazing charity work with amputees. She was shown with a Boston Marathon survivor in one scene this season; it’s too bad the editing couldn’t show more of her good deeds. Instead, we have to watch exhausting scene after exhausting scene of Sonja and her army of interns. I don’t think I would let Sonja go just yet. She’s crazy, but she’s real. Well, she’s not real when facing her financial issues, but it makes a good storyline. I’m still waiting on her “brand” to make an appearance. Now there’s been other rumors circulating now that Bethenny Frankel’s talk show has been canceled, she may be looking for something else to do. Honestly, I don’t think moving back to the Housewives would be her best move, but if it happens, I’m so on board. And why does the series need a minimum of five ladies? Story development flows so much better when there are fewer miniscule spats to follow. If you have six or more Wives, each one has to fight for airtime. Here’s the real truth, all of the Housewives series, except maybe OC, need to step it up a notch. I’m already bored with New Jersey. I loved Dina in season one, then she left in season two, but now she’s back, and everything with her so far has been snooze city. Her only leg to stand on, so to speak, is her support of Teresa and Joe, which frankly, I’m over their problems. Do they deserve some jail time? Absolutely. Will it happen? Maybe, but I’m leaning towards probably not. The new Wives on NJ are boring. Maybe Franklin Lakes finally ran out of crazy bitches. ‘Ladies of London’? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, really. I’ll keep watching BRAVO, but all the Housewives need a reality check.

The Thing That Was ‘True Tori’

gossipcop.com/lifetime

gossipcop.com/lifetime

Men are bastards! Yes, I’m not heterosexual, but I’ve known enough women in my life who are and their men are either good as gold or as transparent as plastic wrap. It’s sad that for the sake of a TV show (and a paycheck), actress/author/Donna Martin portrayer Tori Spelling doesn’t get it. Dean cheated on her; he engaged in a “two-day affair” while he was in his native Canada shooting “Chopped: Canada” for the Food Network; every episode began with a reminder of McDermott’s dirty deed.

I’ve been a fan of Tori’s various reality shows. I was suspicious when “Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood” didn’t return. Maybe the family had enough money to do without the boob tube for a while. I think I read about Dean’s affair online. Never in a million years did I think Tori would actually go for it and she would document the beginnings of her family’s healing process. I would say the decision was made since the kids are still young. Liam is the oldest at 7 and their last child, Finn is 18 months. I definitely remember reading about Tori’s last pregnancy with Finn and the scary complications. And I thought well that’s why they aren’t doing a show anymore. In a way, the show was a good thing because it’s rare to see a family go through the process in such a raw way. In the first episode, Tori is schlepping the kids around and 2-year-old Hattie throws up which causes Tori to nearly wreck. Naturally since news of the affair broke, the paparazzi have followed Spelling non-stop, including popping shots of a mother trying to clean up after a sick kid. I just couldn’t understand why Spelling would insist, on camera, on not having extra help with the kids. Dean had to go to rehab for three months, so it’s believed Tori was on her own. Um, where was grandma Candy???? I guess she and Tori were not in agreement on this latest project.

mylifetime.com

mylifetime.com

What ensues is “intense” couples therapy with Dean coming off as a jackass and Tori coming off as the naive wife who, if you read up on the couple, Tori sort of broke up Dean’s first marriage. Bottom line, both parties cheated on their respective spouses because they fell in love and yada yada yada. So, Dean had technically cheated before. The kids, except for Liam, are in the dark as to why Daddy isn’t home. Oh and does Daddy want to come home! I bet Tori let him just to take of the slack of tending to their children. I love how almost every one of their friends think Tori should get rid of Dean, and at one point, Dean admits to one of his male friends he didn’t think he would “get caught”. Oh really, which tells me there are probably more women out there and we’ll all be reading about it soon.

I know Tori looks really bad, physically, on the show. Yeah, she’s never been drop dead gorgeous, but she’s dropped a lot of weight and she hardly ever puts her hair up.  The part on the reunion show that aired this week that got me, Tori has a tattoo of her wedding vows on the side of her rib cage, and damnit, as a “grand gesture” Dean revealed he also got a wedding vow tattoo, vows that he broke.

mylifetime.com

mylifetime.com

My thoughts exactly. I’m just sad Tori is so blinded by greed to see her husband for who he is. If they stay together, it won’t surprise me, but if they split up, it also won’t be surprising. And how does the story end? Dean is invited back to tape another season of “Chopped: Canada” and Tori is co-starring with her former ‘90210’ pal Jennie Garth in the ABC Family series “Mystery Girls”, which has not aired yet. That’s it, get some good honest work for once so you won’t be absorbed by all your normal people problems! I’m kidding. Oh and a bonus footage episode of “True Tori” airs next week. Make it stop!

‘GLEE’ And I Have Irreconcilable Differences

All right, I know I’ve been a champion of ‘Glee’ in the past, but this is how I feel now when I watch it.

Mime stuff! (fox.com/glee)

Mime stuff! (fox.com/glee)

I don’t know if it’s because Cory Montieth unexpectedly passed away or the writers are desperate for ideas (example, last week when Artie had his STD scare, really?!?), but ‘Glee’ is on the verge of being eliminated in my viewing queue. Honestly, even if Montieth/Finn had lived, I still think the show would have suffered creatively. When I look back at the excitement I felt five years ago when the pilot premiered, the show, the idea, they were so fresh. Ryan Murphy and his co-creators took a new look at the high school outcast scenario; he gave them a voice and the gift of song; a purpose for the outcasts and the secret singing jock. ‘Glee’ was not going to be “Hopelessly Devoted to You”, oh no, it was going to take those students’ struggles and catapult them into primetime with a weekly lesson in the choir room. And that first season’s big story, the star cheerleader, Quinn, gets pregnant, and jock turned glee club member is led to believe the baby is his. Yeah, it’s a trite story, but when music helped to tell the story which would end in heartbreak for the young quarterback, the show was at its best. Five years later, both Quinn and Finn are gone, and their former classmates are all trying to “make a go of it” in New York City a la the kids from Fame or Stephen Sondheim. In the end, the NYC move and really the entire series has been centered around Rachel (Lea Michele) and her goal to star as Fanny Brice on Broadway. What do you know? It happened! I understand that when her late on-screen/off-screen boyfriend died, the show had to be re-tooled, but come on, why did it have to be so predictable?

You have the Clap? How icky! (fox.com/glee)

You have the Clap? How icky! (fox.com/glee)

I think we all knew certain members of the original McKinley High Glee Club, I’m sorry, New Directions, had a limited shelf life. Yes, I’m talking about you Tina Cohen-Chang. I’m sure Jenna Ushkovitz is a nice girl, and she can sing, but she will never be able to escape that character, who was a truly selfish person, and I’m sorry, but very unlikeable. I NEVER liked Tina, because she also had a chip on her shoulder and she felt like she had to stutter to get attention?!? Weird, but other characters were so stereotyped, they also became unbearable to watch. Case in point, even though Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch, who won several awards for the role) had her likable moments, her whole “I have to shut down the glee club” campaign went on for too many seasons; however, she finally got her wish just a few weeks ago (SPOILER) in season five. As far as we, the audience are concerned, New Directions is done for good, to make way for ‘Glee’s version of Adventures in Babysitting. Yes I know, that movie didn’t take place in NYC, but humor me! This next section will break your heart, but I’ve never liked these two together.

Someone actually made this? (deviantart.com)

Someone actually made this? (deviantart.com)

Damn me, but I’ve just never liked the chemistry between Kurt and Blaine aka “Klaine”. I get it, I live in Kentucky. ‘Glee’ takes place in Ohio. Even though part of the Midwest is coming around to the idea of at least recognizing out-of-state gay marriages, there is a very long way to go. This part of the country can still be a little limited in thriving gay communities; thus, these two are stuck with each other, at least until the end of the series (TBD). To me, Kurt has always been everything and Chris Colfer, who won a Golden Globe in 2011, has been spot on the entire series. This performance is from a few weeks ago; it’s one of my favorites.

Yeah, I still find things to like about ‘Glee’, but I’m just tired. My sister, who has also soured on the show, she made a good point. She said the show should have started with all of the New Directions kids as freshmen. If you obsess over those kinds of details, the series started when Rachel, Kurt, Mercedes, Finn, Santana, etc. were sophomores. Well if you want to get specific, Artie and Tina were freshmen at the beginning of the series since they just graduated a few weeks ago on the show. And wouldn’t it have been cool if ‘Glee’ started without Will Schuester? The freshmen struggle in their first year, decide to get a glee club going again and Mr. Schue just happens to come back to teach at his alma mater, then the glee club really gets going in season 2. It’s too easy. Eh, but if you have underclassmen joining up, you would have to get all Menudo every season. Oh what the hell? I’m in too deep, but I will hate watch ‘Glee’, sometimes.

Note to Blaine: You are fine, but you don’t belong with Kurt. I’ve counted to ten.

 

A Bone To Pick With Comedy Central’s @midnight

First of all, I absolutely love Comedy Central’s newest game show @midnight. I like Chris Hardwick, who is lot funnier than I remember. And the show is great exposure for some of the country’s most underrated comedians. Wait, I think at least two non-US comedians have been featured on the show*.

I mean where else are you going to see scary shit like this.

Facebook

Facebook

Okay, so what is it I have a problem with? It’s simple, none of my #HashtagWars tweets have been retweeted! And while many that have been retweeted are generally funny and creative, I know I came up with at least one entry this week that someone else tweeted word for word and…it was retweeted?!? Wednesday night’s (1/15) hashtag war was #CelebrityCrimes. Here’s the first one I came up with.

Well, here’s the exact same tweet and,

To be fair, I’m sure a slew of folks come up with the same ones, yet, this one was given “POINTS” after I submitted mine. I’m proud of this one too.

Am I being too obsessive about this? Of course. I jokingly compare my aim to be retweeted on @midnight to the late Roger Ebert’s longtime campaign to be selected for The New Yorker‘s cartoon caption contest. After 280 submissions, Ebert finally won the contest 2011. Did he quit after he succeeded? Hell no.

Thus, I will keep submitting my #HashtagWars and honestly, it’s fun to see what everyone comes up with. My quick wit will pay off…one day.

I’m Not Happy, Happy, Happy

crossmap.christianpost.com

crossmap.christianpost.com

I know some people who read this might be shocked to learn that I do watch Duck Dynasty, at least I used to. And my favorite Robertson? Phil, the patriarch, the guy who started at QB ahead of Terry Bradshaw at Louisiana Tech, the former boozer and drug user who found God; he is bar none, the most real person you will ever see on “reality” TV. However, A&E has all but omitted the Robertson clan’s deep rooted religious beliefs. In other words, the only connection to the family’s Christian world that you will ever see on the show is when they are involved in their church activities. Oh, and when Phil says the prayer over supper at almost the end of every episode. It seems he isn’t satisfied, yet if there’s one thing I do admire about him, he will always be honest and speak his mind about his beliefs, no matter what the cost.

I’ve already had one friend ask me why Phil would do an interview with GQ? Why not? In reality, any publication, no matter what that publication’s objective is, he would have no problem speaking his truth. And now, the truth has cost Robertson his role on one of cable TV’s highest-rated shows. Robertson has been suspended “indefinitely” from the series by A&E following the controversial remarks he made about homosexuality in the GQ interview. Here’s what the network had to say:

“We are extremely disappointed to have read Phil Robertson’s comments in GQ, which are based on his own personal beliefs and are not reflected in the series Duck Dynasty. His personal views in no way reflect those of A+E Networks, who have always been strong supporters and champions of the LGBT community.”

Okay A&E, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Robertson’s personal beliefs are the same beliefs of his family. Of course when you read the GQ article, you’ll notice the sons stay mum when Phil starts pontificating about the Bible. They may not be as outspoken as their father, but will carry the burden of defending him for the rest of their lives. It wouldn’t surprise me if in the next few days, you might see another family member pipe up and say something along the lines of “although we respect other people, this is what we believe and no one will change that.” I call bullshit. It will also be interesting to see what other parties who have invested in the show will have to say in wake of this controversy. I’m mainly referring to Walmart. Everywhere you turn, there’s a Robertson staring at you. I see an old cut out of Willie every time I leave and see the Duck Dynasty line of sunglasses. UGH!

I know one thing, I can no longer watch Duck Dynasty. I knew something like this interview would happen, and I would have to stand my ground, so to speak. If A&E is really “champions and strong supporters of the LGBT community”, they would drop the series. Backlash is a bitch. I’ll be waiting for their next move.

Sorry Phil, but it’s not cool to quack about queers and get away with it.

Pretty Little Withdrawal And A Concussion

Facebook

Facebook

Okay, I realize using the word “withdrawal” may have been a bad choice after what I covered in my last post. By the way, anyone going as a Krokodil victim/user for Halloween?

While everyone was desperately binge-watching Breaking Bad so they could be prepared for the series finale, I chose to binge on a show I had no intention of ever watching. ABC Family’s gold star, Pretty Little Liars. Lord knows I didn’t need ANOTHER show to keep up with, but I don’t regret this choice at all. The only fact I knew reading about the show was that one of the Liars, Emily (Shay Mitchell) is gay. As you know, I crave and I seek out all things lesbian in TV and movies. However, I didn’t watch PLL for three years, but I would keeping reading about it. So about three weeks ago, via my Netflix subscription, I decided to start my binge, and I was hooked, and..I could not stop watching. I don’t know how many times I had to recharge the battery on my tablet; that poor device isn’t even a year old. I would also sneak in some PC and laptop viewings. But then last week, it all stopped. You see, season 4 started this summer. They took a hiatus and now the new season resumes with the now traditional Halloween episode on October 22nd. According to all my searches, I won’t be able to catch up fully on what’s happening and it’s driving me crazy. I’m hoping ABC Family will air a marathon in advance of October 22nd. They better or I will be completely lost.

What I like best about the series is that it takes a twist almost every episode, which it has to if you watch the very first episode. At this point *SPOILER ALERT* I think Alison DiLaurentis is indeed alive. It’s her murder that drives the action and the mysterious revenge plot inflicted upon the Liars. If I’ve learned one thing, be careful who you trust with your secrets especially if you told them to someone you thought was dead. And if anyone knows how I can watch the first 12 episodes of season 4 without having to pay for them, please let me know! I’m obsessed! Speaking of obsessed…

I had been reading about Concussion for over a year. It’s one of those independent films that needed a distributor and it screened at all the big indie film festivals. Last week, it was finally got a very, tiny limited release in theaters, and it was made available on iTunes, and as a Video On Demand. I counted down the weeks to October 4th, and that morning, I immediately purchased Concussion and since I didn’t have to be up and out of bed for a while, I decided to go ahead and watch it. I ended up watching it, oh, six times. And just the other night, I purchased it on iTunes. Yes, I have an old laptop, but I didn’t care, this film is that good.

hollywoodreporter.com

hollywoodreporter.com

Robin Weigert plays a lesbian housewife who is hit in the head with a baseball by her son and although the term concussion is never used or said in the film, the character’s libido is the most affected area. Weigert’s Abby is suffering from “Lesbian Bed Death” which means her busy wife is either too busy for sex or she has become frigid. Thus the old married couple setttles into a pattern of just being a couple, parents, yet strange bedfellows. So Abby decides she needs to seek satisfaction elsewhere which leads to her new career as a high-end escort for the ladies. The script is smart and Weigert, I hope, will receive multiple accolades for her performance. If you do buy Concussion VOD, it’s $6.99, which is less expensive than a normal movie ticket these days. You won’t regret it!

Syria And A Coven

cbc.ca

cbc.ca

So, here we are again. And I use “we” in two ways. We, as in you and me, here together, the writer and the reader. And “we” as in the United States, its leaders, and we the people. Syria is just another country in the Middle East where there’s a dictator and its citizens have revolted resulting in two things. A bloody civil war and the dictator, President Bashar Assad authorizing the use of chemical weapons on his people to abate the uprising. Which is similar to what happened in Iraq over twenty years ago. Remember Saddam? He gassed his own people? At the time, President George H. W. Bush was able to amass an enormous coalition and he got Congressional approval to launch a strike on Baghdad. The strike was swift yet Hussein continued his dictatorship. And..we all know what happened soon after 9/11 with the younger President Bush. Let’s not go there. So now, with President Obama, a strike may or may not happen. Honestly, if we can avoid another war, it will be better for everyone involved. But, I don’t trust Assad OR Russian President Vladmir Putin, who is supposedly going to use diplomacy to convince Syria to dispose of its chemical weapons cache. Don’t even get me started on Putin! If I’m ever reincarnated, I better not come back as a person, place, or thing in Russia. It’s cold, it’s homophobic, and it’s more old school than probably the Middle East. “Inshallah” (seen above) translates as “Allah’s will” or the more familiar “God willing” to us.

And just for good or bad measure, what the hell happened to Secretary of State John Kerry’s face?

theguardian.com

theguardian.com

Okay, I’ll move on to a more amusing, rather exciting subject. Oh I pray you have seen the new teaser trailer for the upcoming season of American Horror Story. The third season takes place in New Orleans and our theme this season is witchcraft, hence the the title Coven. Ryan Murphy is not only bringing back constant cast members Jessica Lange, Sarah Paulson, Evan Peters, Lily Rabe, and Frances Conroy, back for round three are some season one faces including Taissa Farmiga and Jamie Brewer. Yes, Addie will be back, as a witch! Oh dear, I cannot wait.

Kathy Bates bitches! I don’t know if the ensuing teasers can top that one. Be on the look out for more teasers on the American Horry Story Facebook page. Season 3 premieres October 9th on FX.