The Women’s Health Magazine List That Finally Made Me Cringe

For the past year or so, I’ve been mysteriously subscribed to Women’s Health magazine. As in, I never voluntarily subscribed to it, but after all this time, I haven’t really minded. I’m not paying the bill…or am I? The aim of the magazine is to make women feel empowered in all areas of their lives, i.e. diet/recipes, exercise, health & beauty, and love & sex. Oh boy. I just received the April issue with Smash star Katharine McPhee on the cover and honestly, I’m able to tolerate her these days.

A little hotness if you please.

A little hotness if you please.

A women’s magazine is supposed to have the usual “how to” stuff, but one sex-related list in this particular issue made me cringe, shiver, and almost roll my eyes into the back of my head.

“The Top 10 Tracks to Play During Sex” Oh dear God! At first, I glanced at it until I read through the list. Now I’m not sure who came up with this list; the only supporting info is that music service Spotify “found its users were 40 percent more likely to be turned on by songs more than another’s touch or feel”. Really? Personally, a lady’s touch and feel will always work 80-100 percent of the time for me. Also, I don’t think I’ve ever “done it” with the aid of music. Now with the aid of TV, yes, but only because it just happened to be on. I can only remember one time during a make-out session, some Ani DiFranco was playing (yes, I’m a stereotype!) and I did like it. Okay, maybe this getting a little TMI.

Anyways, here’s the list and I have to warn you, just reading the titles may make your libido disappear completely and for that, I apologize.

1. Any song from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack Not a terrible choice, because we all know that one scene with where Baby and Johnny finally do it, “Cry to Me” by Solomon Burke is playing, but guess what? It’s NOT on the original release. It didn’t make the cut until the 2oth anniversary edition which is lame. I just don’t know if I would want to get it on to all the other slow jams like “In The Still of the Night” or “She’s Like the Wind” UGH! Strange choice.

2. Marvin Gaye, “Sexual Healing” Duh! Again, not my cup of tea, but the late great Gaye would want you to work one out.

3. Ravel, “Bolero” This is the only classical offering on the list and it’s another strange one. I think of one thing when I hear “Bolero”, Torvill and Dean at the ’84 Winter Olympics. Not sexy.

4. Berlin, “Take My Breath Away” Yes, this one I’ll accept as a mood-inducer. It’s the synthesizer. Hey, it worked in Top Gun.

5. Any song performed by Barry White Cop out. Now a woman with a deep voice? Maybe.

6. Marvin Gaye, “Let’s Get It On” Too obvious.

7. The Righteous Brothers, “Unchained Melody” CRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGE!

WARNING! The train really goes off the tracks with two of the last three.

8. Celine Dion, “My Heart Will Go On” Cringe, question mark, why God?, and do people really do it to Celine??? I can think of better Celine tracks than this to achieve pleasure. Oh, that was a misprint. I meant achieve insanity. (I do love her though)

9. Serge Gainsbourg, “Je T’Aime Moi Non” Say what? Wait! This is actually more like it. French is the language love, right? Personally, this one is better.

Finally at 10. Whitney Houston, “I Will Always Love You” Let her rest in peace. And why not Dolly Parton’s original version?!? Sorry, but both are mood killers.

Way to go Women’s Health, but please, keep putting out the lovely covers (wink!).