The Women’s Health Magazine List That Finally Made Me Cringe

For the past year or so, I’ve been mysteriously subscribed to Women’s Health magazine. As in, I never voluntarily subscribed to it, but after all this time, I haven’t really minded. I’m not paying the bill…or am I? The aim of the magazine is to make women feel empowered in all areas of their lives, i.e. diet/recipes, exercise, health & beauty, and love & sex. Oh boy. I just received the April issue with Smash star Katharine McPhee on the cover and honestly, I’m able to tolerate her these days.

A little hotness if you please.

A little hotness if you please.

A women’s magazine is supposed to have the usual “how to” stuff, but one sex-related list in this particular issue made me cringe, shiver, and almost roll my eyes into the back of my head.

“The Top 10 Tracks to Play During Sex” Oh dear God! At first, I glanced at it until I read through the list. Now I’m not sure who came up with this list; the only supporting info is that music service Spotify “found its users were 40 percent more likely to be turned on by songs more than another’s touch or feel”. Really? Personally, a lady’s touch and feel will always work 80-100 percent of the time for me. Also, I don’t think I’ve ever “done it” with the aid of music. Now with the aid of TV, yes, but only because it just happened to be on. I can only remember one time during a make-out session, some Ani DiFranco was playing (yes, I’m a stereotype!) and I did like it. Okay, maybe this getting a little TMI.

Anyways, here’s the list and I have to warn you, just reading the titles may make your libido disappear completely and for that, I apologize.

1. Any song from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack Not a terrible choice, because we all know that one scene with where Baby and Johnny finally do it, “Cry to Me” by Solomon Burke is playing, but guess what? It’s NOT on the original release. It didn’t make the cut until the 2oth anniversary edition which is lame. I just don’t know if I would want to get it on to all the other slow jams like “In The Still of the Night” or “She’s Like the Wind” UGH! Strange choice.

2. Marvin Gaye, “Sexual Healing” Duh! Again, not my cup of tea, but the late great Gaye would want you to work one out.

3. Ravel, “Bolero” This is the only classical offering on the list and it’s another strange one. I think of one thing when I hear “Bolero”, Torvill and Dean at the ’84 Winter Olympics. Not sexy.

4. Berlin, “Take My Breath Away” Yes, this one I’ll accept as a mood-inducer. It’s the synthesizer. Hey, it worked in Top Gun.

5. Any song performed by Barry White Cop out. Now a woman with a deep voice? Maybe.

6. Marvin Gaye, “Let’s Get It On” Too obvious.

7. The Righteous Brothers, “Unchained Melody” CRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGE!

WARNING! The train really goes off the tracks with two of the last three.

8. Celine Dion, “My Heart Will Go On” Cringe, question mark, why God?, and do people really do it to Celine??? I can think of better Celine tracks than this to achieve pleasure. Oh, that was a misprint. I meant achieve insanity. (I do love her though)

9. Serge Gainsbourg, “Je T’Aime Moi Non” Say what? Wait! This is actually more like it. French is the language love, right? Personally, this one is better.

Finally at 10. Whitney Houston, “I Will Always Love You” Let her rest in peace. And why not Dolly Parton’s original version?!? Sorry, but both are mood killers.

Way to go Women’s Health, but please, keep putting out the lovely covers (wink!).

 

 

 

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Fifty Shades Of No Way In Hell (NSFW!)

Before you ask, I need to point out I have no intention of EVER reading E.L. James’ trilogy about certain sexual fantasies that up until now I guess were never published. Yeah, right. I’ve only read two memorable erotic stories in my life. Try not to pass out when I go there. And yes, they are both gay. Hey, I write what I know.

connect.com

Annie Proulx’s 1999 short story collection includes Brokeback Mountain, which originally appeared in The New Yorker in 1997. Although the story itself is just a shade over 60 pages long, it covers the entire plot you see in the 2005 Oscar-winning film adaptation and it hashes out a few more sexual details than what is seen on-screen. We’re talking graphic and erotic. I don’t think it’s fair the word “erotic” is almost always associated with fiction geared towards women. Men get it on too and I bet a few have read the Fifty Shades trilogy.

The reason I got to blogging this time, now that the trilogy has become so popular, a line of lingerie, make-up (What?), stationery, bedding (kinky!), home furnishings (better throw some rope in), and so on and so forth will be hitting store shelves soon. Don’t get too turned on, this is only happening in England, where the author is from, for now. However, sales of rope and other bondage items have spiked thanks to the panty fire storm continuing to spread across the country. And just in case you were wondering, you need to buy the 12-gauge non-braided nylon rope, no thanks! I just can’t believe bondage is something a few women (maybe men) are just now learning about. It takes a kinky village…

All right, my second most erotic reading experience….

I call bias! on myself. (goodreads.com)

Oh, there are thousands of lesbian erotic novels and poetry out there, believe me I know, but Sarah Waters’ historical debut novel Tipping the Velvet which is a slang term for, um, yeah that, is making me a little antsy to write about at the moment. I can’t tell if I’m blushing, I’m typing. It’s more of a glance at lesbianism in Victorian England in the 1890’s  than it is a sordid, erotic tale. Gotcha, I’m totally lying. It’s historic and it’s extremely hot in many chapters. It examines cross-dressing, the butch factor, and, ahem! artificial appendages. Screw the rope ladies, THAT is kinky!

I try my best not to judge my friends who are reading Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, and Fifty Shades Freed, my sister read them too. And I’ll have to grit my teeth even more when all of these naughty stories are made into movies. I have to face the fact that a hot book series, sexy or not, will be shoved in my face (EWWW!) whether I like it or not.

Bath salts, take me away…